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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Jan 17, 2009 23:46:02 GMT -5
Expectations were one thing. Expectations she could understand. But making your daughter feel worthless because she wasn't perfect? That was incomprehensible to Nessie. "Oh, I'm sure they're not," she assured her friend. "It just sounds to me like they have more of their own interested at heart than yours. But, I could be totally wrong." |
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Post by Ruth Hamilton on Jan 20, 2009 18:56:10 GMT -5
"Well, they must have my best interest in mind," Ruth said, biting her lips in thought a bit. They had to have her best interest in mind, if not, pleasing them would add up to nothing, all their coldness would be because they weren't upset their daughter wasn't working to the best of her abilities, it would be because of selfishness and she had already been taught adults were never selfish, they only wanted was best for children, "What would be the point of them having such high expectations for me if not?"
"I just have a tendency to mess things up," Ruth said with a small smile, "That's all...I know I just need to try harder in order to make my parents happy...." Yes, that's all she had to do. Try harder. Even though it seemed like all she did was try and it did her no good. But, there had to be a way to please her parents, there just had to.
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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Jan 20, 2009 22:18:01 GMT -5
Nessie chewed on her lower lip a bit as Ruth replied, biting back the disgreement she wanted to make. She didn't really think the girl's parents were as nice as Ruth was tryng to paint them, but she wasn't going to be the one to upset her over it. "Of course, I'm sure you're right," she replied with a smile. "I'm just being silly. It's my brother's fault. I spend too much time with him and we can both be overwhelmingly negative sometimes."
Her frown deepened further, however, as Ruth continued. What the-?? That's ridiculous! she thought, grateful for once to not be in the presence of someone who could hear her every word, spoken or otherwise. "If you're doing the ebst you can, that's all they can ask of you, though..." she protested despite herself, unable to keep from thinking that this was wrong in many ways. |
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Post by Ruth Hamilton on Jan 21, 2009 20:23:34 GMT -5
"You're not being silly," Ruth assured, "I...I'm glad you care...to...be worried...if...ya" she stammered, not sure what to say, not wanting Nessie to think that she thought she was being silly in any way. She was glad Nessie cared about her to be worried if her parents were mistreating her. For some reason, Nessie seemed to care about her. Ruth winced at her own stupidity of her words. She always did that when she didn't know what to say. She gave Nessie a weak smile, feeling very foolish.
"Sometimes," Ruth said, quoting her parents now, "Your best isn't enough...sometimes you have to try harder or you'll fail in life...and I know I need to try much harder." She already failed at life as it were.
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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Jan 21, 2009 21:44:13 GMT -5
Nessie smiled a little as Ruth stammered out a response, turning her gaze back to the stars above. She didn't quite know what to say now. It seemed Ruth was feeling painfully awkward around her, but for the life of her Nessie couldn't understand why. She hadn't said anything wrong, had she? No, she'd been carefully monitoring what she said to avoid offending her. So what was it? Sighing quietly after awhile, she gave up trying to figure it out, deciding it wasn't that big a deal. Hopefully Ruth would become more comfortable soon.
Nessie's jaw clenched as Ruth continued, and she had to fight from replying in an angry outburst. How could any parent do that to their child and sleep at night? It was disgusting. "Ruth, that's not true... You're doing all you can, and doing it beautifully. You try hard enough for five people. If you try any harder you'll explode." |
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Post by Ruth Hamilton on Jan 21, 2009 21:54:47 GMT -5
"Beautifully?" Ruth asked softly, almost shocked as that word came out. No body ever told her she ever did anything beautiful, the very thought that Nessie would think she was doing beautifully made her heart feel warm. "I...I don't do things beautifully," she admitted honestly. She didn't know why Nessie thought she was such a good person, when she really wasn't. When she really messed up all the time.
"But," Ruth said, "What if they're right and I do fall because of my failures?" She sighed, knowing she did feel as if she were going to explode a lot. Sometimes, she felt as if she just couldn't take things anymore. She just wanted to be loved, to do something right, to get these dreams out of her mind.
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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Jan 27, 2009 22:48:13 GMT -5
Nessie nodded at Ruth's reply, smiling a little. "Yes, beautifully. You do. Beauty doesn't imply perfection. Everything is beautiful in it's own way, and your beauty is in your determination, your persistance. You never give up no matter what it is you've put your mind to, and I admire you for that." She shook her head continuously as Ruth replied. "If your parents can't see that you're doing the absolute best you can and love you for that, then they're the ones who are failing. Don't sell yourself short."
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Post by Ruth Hamilton on Feb 3, 2009 19:13:38 GMT -5
Ruth blushed, knowing very well she didn't deserve all these things Nessie was saying about her. She wasn't beautiful, she didn't do anything right...she was just...Ruth. Nessie was the one with the true beauty.
"You admire me?" she asked softly, not really believing that anyone could admire her. WHo would, "Thanks...but...I...I'm not one to be admired," she said, then frowned a bit, "I don't think a parent can fail a child...parents always do what's best, it's the child who fails."
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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Feb 3, 2009 19:42:32 GMT -5
"Yes, I do," Nessie replied with a smile. "I wish I had that kind of ability to stick with something. Pretty much ocne I get frustrated with it I give up, which isn't that good. And of course you are. Just about everyone can be admired for something." She bit her tongue to keep form arguing with her, not wanting to start a fight even though she disagreed completely. |
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Post by Ruth Hamilton on Feb 7, 2009 18:22:28 GMT -5
Ruth bit her lips and looked down. If Nessie knew how she really was, she wouldn't be saying this. If she knew how much she failed her parents, upset them, embarrassed them, she probably wouldn't like her all that much. If she knew the failure, the loser she really was, Nessie wouldn't be saying these things to her at all.
"I..." Ruth said, looking up at Nessie. Something tingled inside of her. She wanted to touch Nessie, to move closer to her. Her skin looked so warm, so soft. Scared by these feelings, Ruth moved back slightly, hoping Nessie didn't notice.
And yet another reason Nessie wouldn't admire her if she really knew who she was. Nobody who thought things this...wrong and immoral could be admired. "I don't have much to be admired for..." she bit her lips, "If you knew how I really was, you wouldn't be saying these things."
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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Feb 7, 2009 22:39:30 GMT -5
Nessie's brow furrowed at Ruth's reply, noticing her sudden nervousness. "What do you mean? Is something wrong?" Had she said something to upset the other girl? She didn't think so, but she could never be certain. She had a horrible habit of not thinking before she spoke. Nessie really hoped she hadn't said anything to offend Ruth. She'd feel horrible if that were the case. |
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Post by Ruth Hamilton on Feb 14, 2009 19:01:12 GMT -5
"I...I..." Ruth said, putting her head down in shame. Nessie seemed so concerned about her, so worried. All because Ruth couldn't keep her feelings inside. She looked up Nessie's face and felt angry at herself for her thoughts.
"I...I..." Ruth said, looking down again, wondering what in the world she could say. What could she say without Nessie turning away? No matter what she said, no matter what reasons she could give, no matter how she explained her confusion, it would still stand that her thoughts were not pure. What she was thinking wasn't right. She was thinking sinful, horrible things. And she was too much of a coward to say it out loud because she didn't want to lose Nessie, she didn't want her to turn away. She didn't want her parents to be disappointed in her, to know the true extent of her failure.
"I just..." Ruth said, biting her lips, still not looking up at Nessie. She couldn't, she was too ashamed at herself. She should be able to tell, after all, if Nessie turned away from her, it would be nobody's fault but her own. She was the one thinking such vile things, not Nessie. And Nessie did have the right to know who Ruth really was, didn't she? After all, Nessie seemed to consider her a friend, to somehow trust her, "I've....been having...thoughts that...have been bothering me..." was the only thing she could say.
Coward, he mind screamed as she hugged her arms around herself, She trusts you; she wants to be your friend...and you can't even tell her who you really are, what you really think. As if she won't find out anyway and turn away from you. She should've turned away from you right when she met you. You don't deserve to be her friend, you coward. No matter what happens, it'll be all your fault. You're a failure, a complete and utter failure.
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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Feb 14, 2009 20:55:53 GMT -5
Nessie's level of concern only heightened as Ruth hesistated to answer. Her brow furrowed, and she took to chewing on her lower lip. What was going on? It really worried her that she was this nervous. Had she said something wrong? She was beginning to think so. "Like what?" she asked. "I'm not wanting to pry, I'm just curious..." She wanted to make sure Ruth didn't think she was being rude or nosy, she just wanted to know what was going on... |
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Post by Ruth Hamilton on Feb 14, 2009 21:24:55 GMT -5
Ruth still refused to look at Nessie, she couldn't bear to; the sound of her concern was more than she could take. "I..." she said, "I'm sorry...If you knew," she said, biting her lips, "You'd hate me."
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Post by Renesmee Cullen on Feb 14, 2009 21:29:11 GMT -5
Nessie gasped softly as Ruth resopnded, her eyes wide. "I wouldn't hate you Ruth," she replied quietly, sitting up. "How on earth could you think that? You could tell me you were a freaking serial killer andIi wouldn't hate you. I'd be a little shocked, but I wouldn't hate you. Whatever it is, you can tell me, you know that." Now she was even more anxious to know what on earth could give Ruth the impression that she'd hate her. |
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